Desperate times
by Taromaru
Summary: Lucy, sworn not to lay a hand on Yuka, looks to the next best thing.


Disclaimer: I don't own Elfen Lied. If I did, 1: Yuka wouldn't exist; 2. Lucy would've taken out the bastard who molested Mayu-chan; and 3: The manga's ending would have been much happier (poor Lucy-san)

On the shoreline of Kamakura Beach, a ring of gunshots was heard. This was also followed by a harsh whistling of air. Of course since it was 5 pm the afternoon, the beach was empty of any passerbys so there was no one to witness this unique spectacle. 

The man known as Bando gritted his teeth as he found himself in a very familiar, yet humiliating (for him anyway) position; he was laid flat on his back, both of his arms pinned down by his recipient's feet. _Bitch! Why'd she have to wear high heels today! _Bando thought indignantly as said shoes dug painfully into his trapped forearm. He glared up at his 'rival', only to be met with two impassionate (yet slightly amused) crimson eyes. This sent him to berserk rage. He couldn't believe this! This was all just a fucking game to her!

Bando opened his mouth launch into one of his 'classic' tirades, "damn you--" but was quickly cut off.

"--you horned-headed bitch!" Lucy finished, her boredom evident. She swore she could recite every line and insult he's ever thrown at her by heart. _Not like that's difficult since he spouts the same nonsense over and over_ Lucy thought bemusedly. "Yes, yes, I know; you've said that the _last 27 times_. Now shut up, I have something to ask of you."she demanded exasperatedly. Really, she just wanted to get this over with in time for dinner. She actually _had_ a life after all.

Bando was about to explode. How dare she brush him off! "wha...!" but stopped short when he saw her shuffling through her back pocket. He eyed her curiously as she was finally able to fish out what she was looking for. She bent down to show him the photo of a certain brown-haired woman.

Bando recognized the face almost immediately. "Hey, isn't that the incestuous, bipolar bitch who lives with you, the brats, and the college boy?" He had heard rumors about this chick floating around now, like how she made some rather shameless attempts in seduce her clueless cousin. Bando, while he wasn't the best guy to preach about morals, had enough sense to be disgusted by this woman.

Lucy gave an affirmative nod. "Correct. I want you to...do away with her_." And toss her lousy, sluttish corpse in some sewage waste where the rats can nest in her ribcage while you're at it! _Lucy added mentally.

Bando gave the cherry-headed diclonius an incredulous look. "Can't you just do it yourself?" he asked suspiciously.

_ If I could, Do you I think I'd be asking YOU, dumbass primate_? Instead, Lucy responded, "I would, but I don't want to use my vectors on that waste of flesh." In truth, the only reason she hadn't sliced Yuka into kibble by now was because of the promise she made to Kouta when she returned to the Inn. _Sigh the things I'll do for that man…_

Bando snorted arrogantly; the nerve of this bitch; thinking he would help HER of all people. The woman who. time and again, humiliated and treated him like a bug beneath her heel. What the hell made her think he would help? He decided to ask just that. "Yeah, and what's in it for me FREAK?" That last word laced with venom.

Lucy glared down at him, annoyed; she figured he would say something like that. _Time to play my trump card_ she thought. Her usually harsh features suddenly softened into a smile that could easily rival her innocent counterpart's.

"Simple. If you kill her, I promise to fight you in an honest duel next time" Lucy replied, her voice dripping with false sweetness and honey. _Ugh. This is so sickening _she thought to herself.

Bando's eyes widened in shock, surprisingly "anime water fall tears" began streaming down his face. "Do..do you meant it?" he whispered to her hopefully.

Lucy simply nodded yes while maintaining her sweet smile. _My face is starting to hurt._

Bando instantly jumped to his feet,(almost knocking Lucy down) suddenly feeling rejuvenated. He took Lucy' hand and shook it vigorously, "All right, freak, you have yourself a deal. That bitch is TOAST!" With that, Bando sped off to plot Yuka's demise. _This is great!_ He thought excitedly. Not only would he get to kill two bitches for the price of one but he would prove once and for all, that he was the only one worthy of being Lucy's rival. Bando giggled insanely at the thought.

When Bando was nothing more than a small speck, Lucy's smile transformed into a satisfied smirk.

"What an idiot. It's amazing how gullible humans are when they're desperate. Oh well, at least now I can finally rid myself of that annoying whore, and I didn't even have to raise a vector." With that pleasing thought in mind, Lucy made her way home, while humming her favorite melody.

(Soooooooo, what did ya'll think? I was originally thinking of posting this as a one-shot, but It looks like it's going to be a two-parter. Please be lenient with the flaming, not only is this my first Elfen Lied fic, it's also my first _humor_ fic. So, if this part seems stale or boring, let me know and I'll try to revise it.)


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